Vedere Consulting

Not long ago a client was struggling with a tough conversation she wanted to have with a new associate in her law firm. She believed he was having a difficult time hearing the clients’ concerns and it was impacting his ability to build relationships with them. She wanted to send him to a training program but didn’t know how to tell him in a way that wouldn’t be insulting. Many of the executives and managers I’ve worked with have faced a similar dilemma.

The problem with my client’s approach is she was focused on the solution to the problem. What she wasn’t focusing on was the conversation itself—how to send a clear message, how to ask good questions, how to involve her sales rep in the exploration of and solution to the problem.

What is interesting about this dilemma is that coming into a conversation with the solution already figured out makes having the conversation so much harder. Your subordinate is more likely to feel threatened and resentful. You have something—your solution—to sell now, and the stakes are a bit higher.

My client saw this immediately. She, like many of her peers, focused on the solution because that’s her comfort zone. She’s a problem solver and when faced with a problem she automatically does what she does best. The more effective alternative is to focus on the conversation. The question becomes, “how can I approach this person in a way that allows both of us to analyze and resolve the situation?” It’s a whole new problem to solve!

I love the way my client solved it. Here are several of her solutions:
· Find a casual time to have the conversation when she and the associate could be alone
· Offer her insights as a hypothesis, focusing on the facts first and then her analysis
· Ask the associate to offer other hypotheses and insights
· Support his insights when she can honestly do so
· Listen completely to what the associate has to say
· Brainstorm solutions together. Make her solution only one in the mix

You might find another approach more useful. The point is that my client turned her attention to the conversation and thought carefully about the impact of her words and actions, what could be effective and what would work for her, given her skills and comfort zone. I have a lot of faith that this conversation will go much better than it would have. I believe yours can too.
There are a number of great resources that can help you prepare for tough conversations. Several of my current favorites are:

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg, Puddledancer Press.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, McGraw-Hill.
Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life, One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott, Viking Press.
Quiet Leadership: Six Steps to Transforming Performance at Work, by David Rock, Harper-Collins.

Feel free to explore the “Tools and Resources” page of my website to link to these and other helpful resources.

Labels: Crucial Conversations

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