Vedere Consulting

One of my clients, a regional marketing vice president for a mid-sized insurance company, has been negotiating a difficult agreement between her division and the underwriting department concerning concessions for an important client. It was a particularly tough negotiation because the SVP of underwriting and her boss in marketing see each other as rivals within the senior leadership group. Both men are also known for their large egos and arrogant behavior.

Despite these difficulties, my client was feeling pretty good about the results of the negotiations. Then she got a call from the underwriting SVP. Though he wouldn’t have engaged in such behavior with her boss directly, while on the phone with her, he lambasted her boss, he made additional demands, he screamed at her about how incompetent her boss was. She saw the agreement she worked so hard for going down the drain. What was worse, she said, was that he couldn’t see how unreasonable his demands and accusations were, no matter what she tried.

Does this sound familiar to you? It does to me. It reminded me immediately of the times my then 2- year-old sons would have a temper tantrum over something they wanted. They usually picked a very public place, say the grocery store. They would scream, cry, yell at me, “I hate you, Mommy!” because they wanted something I wouldn’t let them have. The choices parents believe they have to counter such behavior are pretty limited and mostly ineffective. Do you placate the child by letting them have what they want? Do you threaten them with a spanking if they don’t behave? Do you try to reason with them, (i.e. “But Bobby, that candy will ruin your supper.”)?

None of these strategies work. Yet it’s these same strategies dressed up in more sophisticated clothes that people in organizations use to manage powerful people who explode or scream to get what they want. I’ve even encountered bosses who try them with demanding (or brazen) employees. Like my client, we are thrown by the unreasonableness of the demands and the behavior. What can we do?

I did many things wrong as a parent, but one thing I learned to do right was managing my children’s temper tantrums. I didn’t do any of the strategies most parents use. When my children were screaming at me, crying and kicking, I simply said in a calm voice, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” I then walked away, leaving them without their favorite audience. Within seconds the tantrum stopped. After a couple of times, my kids never had a tantrum again.

This strategy worked because all tantrums are about power. If I refuse to get in a power struggle—to acquiesce or resist—then the tantrum goes away because it isn’t working. The principle is calm non-responsiveness. One need do nothing but remain calm and remove oneself from the tantrum as quickly and gracefully as possible. How one does that in an organization is different for each situation. The key is to not take the tantrum seriously and to stay calm and uninvolved.

My client’s new strategy for dealing with the SVP’s tantrums is to simply listen for a few moments, thank the person for calling, say “I think _____is the best person to discuss that issue with” and find an excuse to get off the line or change the subject. She feels that if the SVP is forced to confront whoever is offending him directly, he will be more restrained since he won’t have the third-party “audience” for his tirade. I like her plan. Do you? I invite you to tell us your strategy for coping with office tantrums.

Labels: Crucial Conversations

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